Everyday we are faced with decisions as trivial as what to wear, what to eat for breakfast, or even whether or not to shower that day. But in life comes those decisions as complicated as deciding whether or not to take your loved one off life support, which college to go to, who to marry, whether or not to give the child up for adoption, leave an abusive husband, go to rehab – the scenarios that surmount my daily trials are endless and clearly more life alerting than, well… taking a shower.
But to all his own – no matter what, following your gut and listening to your heart is a hard thing to do when you are like me - weak gut, quiet heart. I am the pro con girl, I analyze everything and I can usually talk myself in circles around a decision, always seeking advice from others. But during this crazy time of trying to figure out what I want to do and who I want to be, can you blame me? I simply wish there was a Magic 8 Ball to life, or a clear-cut answer. I never had a great aptitude for math, but what I always loved about it was that no matter what there is always a solution – one answer so long as I followed the equation correctly – and that answer is always the right answer. I understand why mathematicians are so passionate because even I can see the beauty in this concept of absolute certainty. But I wonder, when faced with big decisions and forced to create your own equation – your own path – how do you know if your answer is the right answer?
This morning I woke up, went to theater class in which we discussed the play Ivanov, and then I had break for lunch. I have been stressed this week, constantly thinking about all the things I had to get done now that the semester is coming to a close (which is unnerving as it is). And it just seems like decision after decision is weighing on my mind – how to arrange my schedule, what to apply for, where to intern next summer, all leading up to the big question – what do I want to be (and will this friggin’ economy let me be it…). I know I don’t have to figure all this out right now, but I would like to feel like I have a direction. Everyone just says – go for it! Follow your dreams! Well, my dream was to be a dancer or a musician, and so when people say that, I feel like I had a dream and a passion that slipped away for many different reasons, and now I don’t know what to chase. Sure, I have other aspirations, but none that would fulfill me the way that would, and it just sucks to have that desire but not the talent or means to pursue it. Trust me, I have worked in this business for three months now – it is not nearly as simple as “follow your dreams….”
I worked straight through lunch to check things off my list and get everything ready for my spring semester at Elon. I applied to be an account executive, after much deliberation as to whether to apply for assistant director (the higher up position) or not, and opted for a position that with my heavy academic work load, will simply be much more manageable. Here is the rationale I formulated after making my intense pro and con list - I have to know my limits. Being an over-achiever is not always healthy and part of being in college is actually having fun and not electing to be in a stressed out state to the point where I want to curl up in a ball and die (I know, I am so dramatic), so I think this is the right choice – at least I hope it is! Oh decisions…..
After lunch our history class went to the Imperial War Museum to learn about WWII. My professor is a great speaker, but he does not know when to stop talking. His stories just never end – one leads into another and if you tune out for even a minute, you went from talking about Japanese air pilots to JFK’s father with no idea how you even got there. The museum itself is really great, one of my favorites, so I think I will try to go back on my own so I can explore without having to listen to stories that drag on and on.
After classes, my faculty advisor, Brooke, and I went for a long walk around the outskits of Regent Park. She is my academic advisor at Elon coincidentally and I baby-sit for her kids, so we are pretty close, and have been even before this trip. So, it was so nice to talk to her and get out of the flat and be active! I loved the walk and her company J. But the best part was at the end we had a DVD trade – I let her kids borrow some of my DVD’s (yes – I have a lot of kid friendly DVD’s and I am about to be 20 – deal with it… J ) and (DRUM ROLL PLEASE!) she let me borrow tons of Christmas movies including The Grinch, Eloise at Christmastime (I left my copy of this at home), and Santa Clause is Coming to Town! YAY! So exciting…. Gotta love the Christmas claymation!
I came home after the walk, had dinner, and did work the whole rest of the night, which was great because I am finally feeling like I am getting stuff done. My applications for spring semester positions are done and sent out – decisions finally made – and my final theatre paper is on its way to completion, which is a load off too.
In the end, I know that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out for me - all it takes is a little faith and direction. In fact, what I think I have known all along is that I may not have a mathematical equation to follow to compute the perfect life, but what I can try to follow is my heart. Which means I should quit school and try to become a super star.....? Not exactly. But rather that even in math, you make tons of mistakes and you use the eraser a million times before you get it right. This equation I claimed to be so cut and dry, actually take a lot of effort and practice to finally get it right. And that is what life is all about – learning, making mistakes, making choices and having faith that in the end, your answer will be the right one.
Love and hugs,
Jenny
1 comment:
Fantastic!
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